Reitz Union Colonnade Tables Over 250 Years Old

By DAN LEVINE
Contributing Writer

GAINESVILLE, Fla. – Archaeologists and historians recently came to the shocking conclusion that the tables found on and around the J. Wayne Reitz Union colonnade at the University of Florida are over two and a half centuries old.

The discovery was made by a UF student who happened to discover an etching
underneath one of the tables that chronicled the beginning of the French and Indian War.

Archaeologists were called in to examine the tables; three of the artifacts were brought to a local laboratory for carbon dating. It was determined that the legs of the table were actually made from melted spears from the Roman Empire, that the wood was petrified giant oak.

The tables are estimated to have been built in 1723, with the inscription likely being carved in 1755.

Historians believe that the tables were shipped to the United States by Great Britain as a result of the Paper Tax. It is believed that the purchaser used all of these tables for his short-lived Greek cuisine restaurant. The tables were then stolen by furniture pirates and were brought to Florida, where the pirates hoped to sell them.

The pirates, unfortunately, underestimated just how crappy the tables were.

The tables were then bought by the East Florida Seminary, one of the predecessors of the University of Florida. In 1905, when Gainesville was selected to house the UF campus, the tables were then moved there. They them moved around the college, in an inter-departmental game of “Not-It”, until finally ending up at the Reitz Union Colonnade in 1969.

In their current state, the tables’ surfaces are uneven; they are covered in mold and food, and are home to a variety of insects and small mammals.

When asked about the table’s monetary worth, the archaeologists on the scene all laughed and laughed and laughed.

“You couldn’t even sell these as mulch or firewood,” chief archaeologist Ken Rabbens said.

He believes that the tables should not remain on the colonnade.

“Tables should be flat, dry and usable. The tables at UF possess none of these qualities.”

He then proceeded to make a “That’s What She Said” joke regarding those characteristics.

Jennifer Somka, director of financial affairs for UF, said that they recently considered replacing the ancient tables after receiving a $2 million anonymous donation to the university.

“We received a lot of complaints about the unattractiveness, unseemliness and
uselessness of the tables at UF,” she said. “But decided to ignore these complaints completely, and invest the money where it really counted.”

Instead of new tables for the Reitz Union, UF’s Southwest Recreation Center is now home to giant hanging lights that change colors.

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