— DAN LEVINE

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By MEAGHAN GALLAGHER

Halloween is just around the corner…it’s the time of year that TSF gets scary. Time for us to talk about graphic and horrific subject matter that will surely give you nightmares.

Every so often I check in with myself and I discover that I am too at peace with my surroundings, too apathetic about world issues. I begin to think that maybe there are no more questions to be answered, and perhaps all of life’s mysteries have been solved.

It is at this point I visit www.realdoll.com (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CLICK.) I am instantaneously cured of my naïve notions. I find myself questioning all that is holy, wondering what god would allow for such a perverse phenomenon to exist (and succeed!), all the while wondering what drives an individual to invest so much money into a sex toy.

For those of you with your innocence still intact, I’ll explain what a Real Doll is to you. A Real Doll is billed as “the most realistic love doll in the world,” touting “completely articulated skeletons which allow for anatomically correct positioning, an exclusive blend of the best silicone rubbers for an ultra flesh-like feel.”

::Shudders::

“If you’ve ever dreamed of creating your ideal partner, then you have come to the right place.”

So, if your ideal partner is a lifeless body with (up to) three orifices, he or she (or she-he) can be delivered in as little as 8 weeks.

Each doll is created to the specifications of the RealDoll loser— I mean, user. Users can choose from 10 female body types and 16 interchangeable female faces, interchangeable eyes, elf ears, a she-male option, a Bratz Look-a-like called “Boy Toys” and three pretty pathetic looking male dolls.

RealDoll’s site features graphic Playboy-style photos which attempt to capture the dolls “in action”.

I’m sorry, I don’t care how much you saturate an image, how many candles you light, or how soft the lighting is — the dolls still look like embalmed corpses.

The Frequently Asked Questions on www.realdoll.com has lead to many a sleepless night for me—just when you think the weirdest possible thing is asked, an even more disturbing question is raised.

These are a few real questions from the site…

- I want to bathe and shower with my doll. Is there anything I need to be careful about, like water temperature or duration? – Tell me more about the doll’s entries. – What happens if a finger wire pokes through on my doll? – Can I draw on the doll’s flesh with permanent ink markers?
-Does the doll include any electronic features which enhance the pleasure experience such as a vibrating vagina or rotating tongue?
-Do you make a BBW or chubby doll? – I’m a cross dresser interested in a full body silicone female skin. Can I buy a RealDoll skin or can you tell me where I can get a silicone female body suit?

The Real Doll can cost upwards of $15,000-$20,000, but don’t worry, for those on a budget, a “flat back torso” will only set you back $1,099.00. “But, what about the head?” you may ask. Well, the good folks at Real Doll makers are sensitive to this predicament and Head Kit is included for FREE!!

“So don’t forget to order a face!”

If you’ve made it this far, you may ask yourself, what sort of people buy RealDolls?

Clearly, after reading through the Testimonials on www.realdoll.com, a very specific person orders a Real Doll. And they really love talking about it. Anonymous writes about his recently delivered doll:

“I don’t see them as replacing real women but they do come close to looking and feeling like the real thing! One thing I under estimated was her weight. These dolls are heavy!! Within 24 hours though I was able to better ‘man handle’ her with learned techniques. I find that carrying her works best for me when I use the ‘threshold position’ (the position used for taking a new bride across the threshold). I already feel stronger & my muscles growing. So there are added benefits to having a REALDoll!!”

I’ll leave you with this charming video featuring RealDoll collector Gordon. Gordon discusses his dolls Ginger & Kelly, the reasons why he prefers dolls over prostitutes, range of motion, and…you know, why don’t you just find out for yourself.

I’ll just be over here, vomiting forever.

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Why The Independent Florida Alligator’s Political Cartoons Are Just Too Smart for You

By JACKI SCHWARZ

On Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2010, the University of Florida’s premiere newspaper, The Independent Florida Alligator, came out with a political cartoon that sparked an overall response of “What the fuck?” by readers.

Many asked: Was said cartoon drawn by a narcoleptic 5 year old? Did the person drawing have a seizure disorder? What the fuck was the joke?

Jeremy Katz, junior, stated, “This cartoon looks fucking terrible.”
Michael Leonard, sophomore, exclaimed, “What the fuck is that? If I dipped my dick in ink and smeared it on a newspaper it would look better and make more sense then that.”

So the question at heart is truly: Is this a bad-looking cartoon that makes no fucking sense and should have never been put into print even if it was the last political cartoon on Earth? Or is it over students’ heads?

After many hours of analyzing the material I, Jaclyn Schwarz, have come to the conclusion that it is the latter. The meaning behind this cartoon is actually so smart, it is over everybody on Earth’s head (but mine and the illustrator).

As you can see, both characters are telling O’Donnell (who has just won the Republican primary for Delaware senator) that she is under their spell. The first character is the Wicked Witch from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” who has undergone plastic surgery, having her nose replaced with a beak. She is telling O’Donnell from high school that she is under her spell. In other words, when Christine O’Donnell was in high school, she obviously cheated on her SATs.

On the right it shows a similar scene, here we see the Mad Hatter/Uncle Sam/a grumpy clown telling O’Donnell in present day that she is also under his spell. This obviously is hinting that O’Donnell does meth.

As you can see, no one in the sketch has arm bones. This relates to the flimsy situation in the Middle East and North Korea/U.S. relations.

The witch is shown without hands. This probably is a satire relating to how we as American people have no “hand” in the current economy crisis.

The mad hatter/Uncle Sam/a grumpy clown is taller that the witch. This represents the lost 9/11 reports and the controversy over the Lindbergh trials.

The overall lack of color reflects how in the next few weeks Gainesville will be experiencing mass rainfall.

Also, O’Donnell is not a worthwhile candidate because she gives head to witches and Mad Hatters/Uncle Sams/Grumpy Clowns.

As proved above, this cartoon, like many others The Independent Florida Alligator has put out is a valuable piece of work reflecting the ideals and interests of the American people. If you do not get it the first time, read it again. Look at it for a couple hours. Eventually your brain will try to fix it into something comprehensible.

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